So I am sooooo behind on making this film, this self portrait. It has been an absolute disaster... I don't know where to start to explain why this has become an emotional trainwreck, but I feel like every time I get an idea, it becomes this mammoth weight and I run into a wall where it doesn't work. I am ready to quit and change my subject to be about something NOT me. I was thinking about interviewing my friends who are in town visiting this weekend. They are an interracial couple, and we just found out that they are expecting!! Anyway, I thought it is interesting that Ariel, who is Chinese from Taiwan, is very concerned about the bi-cultural upbringing her child will have because he or she will not be very "Chinese" because they live in Texas and her husband is a white American and does not speak Chinese or has any intention of learning. Nick, on the other hand, does think twice about the repercussions of being parents of a child who is hapa. I guess its on my mind because I have two other friends who are having babies and both are interracial couples and will either be conscientious of it or not. I have heard from friends who are half-black and half-white that they always have a bit of identity crises because those ethnic groups expect you to choose and identify with one... I think Barack Obama was probably pretty white when he lived in Hawaii, as there are hardly any black people there and he went to a very haole (Caucasian) private school... not a typically mixed race Hawaii school, though it was probably more diverse than most private prep schools on the Mainland.

One day I will have a hapa children and it is important to me that they appreciate both of their cultural backgrounds, and don't simply become default "white American." I guess that film will maybe one day get made... I suppose I will trudge on to try to make this personal/self-portrait film work.