Synecdoche, New York... while I have not seen this film yet, I think it somehow relates to the experience I have been going through with my short film. Written and directed by Charlie Kaufman, in his first directorial foray into feature filmmaking. I have been anticipating its release and read a good deal about the film... it is interesting how he seems a bit timid in interviews. I guess I'm writing about this film because its about art that is about life that is about art that is about life and so on. Or something like that. Apparently its quite the mind-bender from everyone I know who HAS seen it. The idea of you starring in your own life as a play/movie... not unlike making a personal doc film I suppose. I think the hardest thing about doing a piece of work about yourself is that you have to be totally honest about the person you are presenting. You have to really know who you are otherwise you will look totally deluded. I think we all have an idea of the person we would like the world to see us as, and then there is the reality of who we are, and its hard to make sure that what we are showing is something worth watching. I can't really tell if I'm an interesting person in the sense that I would get cast as a character for a reality show. But I think I am a unique person, with a unique perspective. No one has ever told me that I remind them of someone... that is a good thing, I think??

I am always wanting to grow and be challenged so every day I can be a better human being, so I accept the pain and difficulty of making hard choices and putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. Maybe I even have grown a taste for the edge, the risk, the feigned fearlessness. I am a total wuss, and I have felt pretty crappy about myself and my creative process for making this film. I think I have no creative process. Or its mysterious and fleeting and magical. I like that description quite a bit. At the very least, I can say I am proud of what I made, and that I think its a glimpse into my brain and my experience. I don't think its terribly brilliant, but I do think I was able to go to that place and be honest and cover the bases and make this meaningful or interesting to an audience. I guess I need to show it to more people to really know. The entire class could hate it, and it would be harder to accept rejection on something like this because it is me. And I think it is pretty good because I feel good about it and that is rare because I hate most of the things I make.

I have learned a lot from the process of making this film... that failure is sometimes necessary. That you don't always have the answers, and that sometimes it takes time to find the right ones. That you can't force yourself to be any more interesting, productive or creative than you are. I think after finishing this short film, which I titled, "Self-Portrait #3", I don't ever want to do a "Self-Portrait #4" or any film about myself again. Or at least for a long while.