So I am sooooo behind on making this film, this self portrait. It has been an absolute disaster... I don't know where to start to explain why this has become an emotional trainwreck, but I feel like every time I get an idea, it becomes this mammoth weight and I run into a wall where it doesn't work. I am ready to quit and change my subject to be about something NOT me. I was thinking about interviewing my friends who are in town visiting this weekend. They are an interracial couple, and we just found out that they are expecting!! Anyway, I thought it is interesting that Ariel, who is Chinese from Taiwan, is very concerned about the bi-cultural upbringing her child will have because he or she will not be very "Chinese" because they live in Texas and her husband is a white American and does not speak Chinese or has any intention of learning. Nick, on the other hand, does think twice about the repercussions of being parents of a child who is hapa. I guess its on my mind because I have two other friends who are having babies and both are interracial couples and will either be conscientious of it or not. I have heard from friends who are half-black and half-white that they always have a bit of identity crises because those ethnic groups expect you to choose and identify with one... I think Barack Obama was probably pretty white when he lived in Hawaii, as there are hardly any black people there and he went to a very haole (Caucasian) private school... not a typically mixed race Hawaii school, though it was probably more diverse than most private prep schools on the Mainland.

One day I will have a hapa children and it is important to me that they appreciate both of their cultural backgrounds, and don't simply become default "white American." I guess that film will maybe one day get made... I suppose I will trudge on to try to make this personal/self-portrait film work.

Today we covered performative documentary, and viewed You Take Care Now, by Anne Marie Fleming, as an example. This particular film resonated with me, in the visual style and the emotional tone of the piece. It reminded me of Ian McEwans work, something of the quality of language perhaps? On a personal note, I had my own run in with a seemingly friendly Italian male who turned out to be quite aggressive while I was studying abroad in Italy. I'm fortunate that it didn't end as badly (he forced his tongue down my throat), though it was probably luck more than anything that saved me since I was very naive and too trusting. From a formal perspective, the symbolism, language and voice were effective, and the non-literal interpretation of the events made it her experience quite powerful. There was something about the camera angle of the sky or ceiling, that made me think that both traumatic events also physically put her in a vulnerable position -- unable to move, flat on her back.

I think the subjectivity of these types of films is more of my preference, because I don't believe as filmmakers with a firm point of view, that we always have to be objective "in service of the truth" and that we can be truly objective. Most documentaries, even narrative films, have a specific story they want to tell, a clear voice to rise above the din. Very few leave it open ended for the viewer to decide for him or herself what to make of what they are shown, or avoid drawing any kind of conclusion, summary or thesis. It's like a lawyer presenting evidence to a jury, there are two sides to the story, and both sides will only present evidence that best proves their case regardless of what actually happened. And even if there is an absolute truth, because the jury was not there to witness the crime, it will be told second-hand and interpreted through our personal belief systems and experience. Reality, in my mind, is personal and subjective by our human natures, so any attempt at "truth" and "reality" is going to be relative. Of course that does not excuse our ethical responsibilities as filmmakers, but with the mass amount of reality-based media we are exposed to w/ amateur Youtube videos and network produced reality programming, I think audiences are increasingly savvy of the media maker's angle.

So I am deciding to do a self-portrait for my second project. I am quite nervous, and a little confused how to go about doing it. I think I think too much about these things... I should probably write it out like a script for play, as the longer I have been writing fiction, I am aware that all of the characters' voices are variations on my own. I met with Prof. Thakur on Thursday to discuss my project, because I know how muddled and clunky the proposal I gave her was. This seems to be my way of writing proposals... the first draft is always awfully murky, unfocused and too broadly drawn.

With that being said, I'm going to try Prof. Thakur's technique of doing a grid with text, sound and image. My sound column will probably be pretty thin, since I tend to think of songs as opposed to sounds when I am working with video. The specific song that came to mind, was "Half The World Away" by Oasis. It's a song about wanting to get out and finding oneself out there. It's kind of the opposite because in my case, I found it at home, but I don't think I would have found it if I never left. Or maybe I would have... I don't know. All I know is that I will have to push myself to that difficult place to get this project done. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist!

Today in class we talked about the readings and briefly talked about The Thin Blue Line and Titicut Follies. We also viewed most of Prof.Thakur's film about circle sentencing in Canadian Aboriginal groups, titled Circles.

My initial impression of the film was that it was sympathetic to the view that circle sentencing works and is useful for certain crimes. I presume the media portrayal of circle sentencing told from a Western/Christian perspective of crime and punishment would be negative, in that it is the opposite of "an eye for an eye" response of retribution, and a guilty judgement means no recourse or pity. It seems the community is more concerned with reconciling all parties and not simply putting the guilty away, and not choosing to permanently shut out "the bad ones" from society. While this all appears very positive and socially responsible, I question the lack of balance in the groups, and the circumstantial, casual nature of the proceedings when it comes to the overall fairness in these types of judgements. What if Gordon did not happen to be driving by and step in to be a advocate for the troubled youth? And what of the constant position that everyone behaves like a victim, regardless if they were the victimized party in the proceedings or the perpetrator? The message I am getting reminds me of the native Hawaiian's grievances towards the American government: "You took something from us, you made us this way, and left us in this poor state of affairs. We want special treatment or compensation." Of course, the obvious flaw in circle sentencing is that the victim and perpetrator must come from the same community; not one inflicted up on or by an outsider.

Aesthetically, I liked how the backgrounds in the interview shots and establishing shots constantly reminded us of the natural environment the people live in and how culturally tied to the land and waterways they are. The use of natural objects to represent certain forces at work -- fire, water and stone -- seem to echo the place as much as their metaphorical allusions. I also appreciated how the people were not exoticized in their cultural choice of how they dealt with crimes against their community. I noted that the single caucasian character (the judge) said that this form of justice is very old, and that a card was present to explain that its not unique to Canadian Aboriginal societies.

Suffice to say, I have two doc DVDs I have on hand to watch... King Corn and Naqoyqatsi. Yes, two totally different films, but we'll see how they are. I'll write more later.