Synecdoche, New York... while I have not seen this film yet, I think it somehow relates to the experience I have been going through with my short film. Written and directed by Charlie Kaufman, in his first directorial foray into feature filmmaking. I have been anticipating its release and read a good deal about the film... it is interesting how he seems a bit timid in interviews. I guess I'm writing about this film because its about art that is about life that is about art that is about life and so on. Or something like that. Apparently its quite the mind-bender from everyone I know who HAS seen it. The idea of you starring in your own life as a play/movie... not unlike making a personal doc film I suppose. I think the hardest thing about doing a piece of work about yourself is that you have to be totally honest about the person you are presenting. You have to really know who you are otherwise you will look totally deluded. I think we all have an idea of the person we would like the world to see us as, and then there is the reality of who we are, and its hard to make sure that what we are showing is something worth watching. I can't really tell if I'm an interesting person in the sense that I would get cast as a character for a reality show. But I think I am a unique person, with a unique perspective. No one has ever told me that I remind them of someone... that is a good thing, I think??

I am always wanting to grow and be challenged so every day I can be a better human being, so I accept the pain and difficulty of making hard choices and putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. Maybe I even have grown a taste for the edge, the risk, the feigned fearlessness. I am a total wuss, and I have felt pretty crappy about myself and my creative process for making this film. I think I have no creative process. Or its mysterious and fleeting and magical. I like that description quite a bit. At the very least, I can say I am proud of what I made, and that I think its a glimpse into my brain and my experience. I don't think its terribly brilliant, but I do think I was able to go to that place and be honest and cover the bases and make this meaningful or interesting to an audience. I guess I need to show it to more people to really know. The entire class could hate it, and it would be harder to accept rejection on something like this because it is me. And I think it is pretty good because I feel good about it and that is rare because I hate most of the things I make.

I have learned a lot from the process of making this film... that failure is sometimes necessary. That you don't always have the answers, and that sometimes it takes time to find the right ones. That you can't force yourself to be any more interesting, productive or creative than you are. I think after finishing this short film, which I titled, "Self-Portrait #3", I don't ever want to do a "Self-Portrait #4" or any film about myself again. Or at least for a long while.

Last night Su Friedrich came to our class to critique our 2nd project. She also showed a few of her short films after class. I was definitely intimidated to meet her and have her look at my work, but she seemed really nice, but quite the critic!! I give credit to everyone who had the guts to show their work. I sort of wish I showed my work, just so I could get that kind of super critical and constructive feedback, but I guess no pain no gain!! I feel like after seeing a few of her films, that perhaps she could have given me some useful feedback since what my "Self-Portrait" was certainly along the lines of the types of personal films she has made. I think my use of overlay is not overkill, but I guess I'll see when I present my film to the class next week. I really probably should re-record the VO, but I didn't have time.

Anyway, it was interesting to learn about how she got started, and how important sound and color correcting is to her. I am split about the whole self-promotion thing, but I guess if you want to get any buzz, you have to buzz yourself!

I think that there should be an independent video site that allows you to rate and view snippets of new and old films, to allow filmmakers an easy way to present their work (a portion, not the whole thing) to a wider audience; an Apple Trailers site for independent film and experimental video art. I have not seen one in my search. I think the way Vimeo is designed, its inward seeking as opposed to outward seeking (community building for filmmakers over offering an alternative option for content-seeking audiences).

At any rate, I was glad to meet her and able to ask her questions about her experience making films. I consider myself an artist and filmmaker, and its neat to see someone who has lasted so long and been so prolific in her chosen creative field. I have her most recent film From the Ground Up ready to watch, maybe this weekend. Been quite busy trying to get work done on all of my projects!!

So I'm going to list a few of the references I randomly thought of while working on my 2nd project.

How failure can be a good thing!

"The Oasis Video That Never Happened" Dir Spike Jonze 1997. It's a short about how Spike Jonze's idea for Oasis' single "Stand By Me" did not happen, also revealing a bit about the process he goes through to make things.

Aesthetics & Music

Nagi Noda
Noda Nagi had a surreal quality about her work that I think works on several levels... a bit meta, but also gorgeously executed.
"Far From Home" music video 2005, artist: Tiga, Dir Noda Nagi
"Sentimental Journey" music video 2003, artist: Yuki. Dir Noda Nagi

Art Movies

"Mark Paints," dir. Spike Jonze. A rarity featuring artist Mark Gonzales finishing a painting only to have a kid come along and deface it.

Beautiful Losers dir. Aaron Rose 2008. This doc is about outsider artists and their rise to fame. A bit of a love letter to the past, celebrating the community and the work that they created.

Artists

Barnstormers, an artist collective famous for time lapse video recordings of the group paintings murals.

Jeremy Blake, a video artist and painter who died last year. Really beautiful work.

I finally got around to watching King Corn, a doc film by Aaron Woolf, Curt Ellis and Ian Cheney about how corn is in all of our food and that we're mostly made of corn and this is bad for our health. After watching that film, I really didn't want to ever drink soda again because its all corn syrup and sorta gross. Not that I didn't know that before, I have been aware that its in a lot of processed foods and I don't really drink soda anyhow, but it really makes you conscientious of what crap you put in your body. I guess that's why we buy mostly organic meats and dairy products. I watched the movie to take a break from editing my project.... I really think the film is starting to come together after all that grief and stress. I was originally upset I had nothing to show Prof Thakur, and I was not able to work on any of my film at all last Tuesday in class because I couldn't digitize any of my tapes (it was some weird setting on my camera). Just as well, as I ended up not using it and used stuff I shot a few months ago and some new stuff today. Anyway, back to the film... I liked how they used the stop motion animations to describe certain concepts... it made it a bit more fun. Those guys have a great sense of humor, and the scenes were really beautifully shot. I also enjoyed watching the deleted scenes, especially ones that were funny and acted out w/ costumes, as they were cute and clever but a bit too much like watching a kiddie science or history lesson. It was definitely more adult and serious to leave them out. Perhaps they put them in the 1/2 hour version for schools if that cut exists??

UGH UGH UGH. I don't like the way this is going... I am seriously starting to wonder why I decided to be brave or stupid and try to make a film about myself. This has really started me on a self-reflective path about who I am and why I am and where I am going, and this has NOT made me a happy camper. How to make a film about oneself that is not egotistical? That is not self-referential, aggrandizing, deluded piece of whimsy? It is hard to be an accurate judge of oneself, even as self-reflective as I normally am. I don't mean to complain, but I am just having a really hard time with this, and uncharacteristically crabby, emotional and difficult. I guess it doesn't help that I am also extremely busy and stressed at work, so I don't have any room to breathe. And I have been super pissed at my husband because he has been busy and totally unhelpful and not supporting me when I need it the most. This is definitely the most challenging project I've ever worked on, and I guess I knew deep down I had to be this upset and pissed off and depressed because otherwise it wouldn't be good. I mean, there is no real drama, but I've seen really great stories that are small and not super traumatic and dramatic. I like small stories, slice of life. This is not a slice of life... I don't know, maybe if I weren't trying to be artistic about all of this and I could just use the terrible footage of me interviewing myself and sorta talking into the camera it might work. But I really really really really hate watching myself because its soooo unflattering and I don't say anything that interesting, and why am I trying to make this about New York or my family? I don't think its about any of that really, but I guess I have to keep running into dead ends in order to see my way through this one. I guess I am used to knowing where I am going and not blindly running into alleys and walls and wrong ways. So annoying!!

So I am sooooo behind on making this film, this self portrait. It has been an absolute disaster... I don't know where to start to explain why this has become an emotional trainwreck, but I feel like every time I get an idea, it becomes this mammoth weight and I run into a wall where it doesn't work. I am ready to quit and change my subject to be about something NOT me. I was thinking about interviewing my friends who are in town visiting this weekend. They are an interracial couple, and we just found out that they are expecting!! Anyway, I thought it is interesting that Ariel, who is Chinese from Taiwan, is very concerned about the bi-cultural upbringing her child will have because he or she will not be very "Chinese" because they live in Texas and her husband is a white American and does not speak Chinese or has any intention of learning. Nick, on the other hand, does think twice about the repercussions of being parents of a child who is hapa. I guess its on my mind because I have two other friends who are having babies and both are interracial couples and will either be conscientious of it or not. I have heard from friends who are half-black and half-white that they always have a bit of identity crises because those ethnic groups expect you to choose and identify with one... I think Barack Obama was probably pretty white when he lived in Hawaii, as there are hardly any black people there and he went to a very haole (Caucasian) private school... not a typically mixed race Hawaii school, though it was probably more diverse than most private prep schools on the Mainland.

One day I will have a hapa children and it is important to me that they appreciate both of their cultural backgrounds, and don't simply become default "white American." I guess that film will maybe one day get made... I suppose I will trudge on to try to make this personal/self-portrait film work.

Today we covered performative documentary, and viewed You Take Care Now, by Anne Marie Fleming, as an example. This particular film resonated with me, in the visual style and the emotional tone of the piece. It reminded me of Ian McEwans work, something of the quality of language perhaps? On a personal note, I had my own run in with a seemingly friendly Italian male who turned out to be quite aggressive while I was studying abroad in Italy. I'm fortunate that it didn't end as badly (he forced his tongue down my throat), though it was probably luck more than anything that saved me since I was very naive and too trusting. From a formal perspective, the symbolism, language and voice were effective, and the non-literal interpretation of the events made it her experience quite powerful. There was something about the camera angle of the sky or ceiling, that made me think that both traumatic events also physically put her in a vulnerable position -- unable to move, flat on her back.

I think the subjectivity of these types of films is more of my preference, because I don't believe as filmmakers with a firm point of view, that we always have to be objective "in service of the truth" and that we can be truly objective. Most documentaries, even narrative films, have a specific story they want to tell, a clear voice to rise above the din. Very few leave it open ended for the viewer to decide for him or herself what to make of what they are shown, or avoid drawing any kind of conclusion, summary or thesis. It's like a lawyer presenting evidence to a jury, there are two sides to the story, and both sides will only present evidence that best proves their case regardless of what actually happened. And even if there is an absolute truth, because the jury was not there to witness the crime, it will be told second-hand and interpreted through our personal belief systems and experience. Reality, in my mind, is personal and subjective by our human natures, so any attempt at "truth" and "reality" is going to be relative. Of course that does not excuse our ethical responsibilities as filmmakers, but with the mass amount of reality-based media we are exposed to w/ amateur Youtube videos and network produced reality programming, I think audiences are increasingly savvy of the media maker's angle.

So I am deciding to do a self-portrait for my second project. I am quite nervous, and a little confused how to go about doing it. I think I think too much about these things... I should probably write it out like a script for play, as the longer I have been writing fiction, I am aware that all of the characters' voices are variations on my own. I met with Prof. Thakur on Thursday to discuss my project, because I know how muddled and clunky the proposal I gave her was. This seems to be my way of writing proposals... the first draft is always awfully murky, unfocused and too broadly drawn.

With that being said, I'm going to try Prof. Thakur's technique of doing a grid with text, sound and image. My sound column will probably be pretty thin, since I tend to think of songs as opposed to sounds when I am working with video. The specific song that came to mind, was "Half The World Away" by Oasis. It's a song about wanting to get out and finding oneself out there. It's kind of the opposite because in my case, I found it at home, but I don't think I would have found it if I never left. Or maybe I would have... I don't know. All I know is that I will have to push myself to that difficult place to get this project done. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist!